Dear French Guiana.....

Dear French Guiana,

During the two months that I have lived here, I have managed to compile an interesting list of queries. I doubt you will be able to tell me the answers, as I suspect that probably, there are none, but still. In no particular order:

1)      Why is it that in the “national newspaper” which consists, on a daily basis, of 24 pages, 5 of these pages, on a daily basis, contain information on seemingly every horse race that has taken place in the world that day. I have yet to see a single bookie’s for anyone to use this information within.

2)      Why do you have such a grand issue (so big that you feel the need to make posters) with people wanting to buy a single yogurt and not a whole pack from the corner shop?

3)      Why do the bins get collected THREE times a week, when you do not have enough money to provide some of the classrooms in my school with electricity?

4)      And a further note on bins, why is it that you have to get your bin from a specific, government owned bin-buying place? And how come said bin-buying place is only open Wednesday morning from 8-12 as that is the only time the bin-selling man is around? Is he the only one capable of bin-selling?

5)       Why do you greet people with “bonsoir, when it is barely lunchtime?

6)      Why is it that the children in your school system think that the only other countries in the world are America, or part of Metropolitan France?

7)      Why, oh why does a loaf of sliced bread cost 4,90 euro from the supermarket?

8)      And why are pineapples small and very expensive here when we live in the right part of the world?

9)      Why is it that, at the beginning of every month when the benefits are given out, that every atm in town runs out of money as people rush to buy their month’s supply of rum and cigarettes? Could you not plan ahead for this?

10)   Why is it that a full-time teaching position is only 18-hours when every other country in the world thinks 40 is more appropriate?

11)   Does the town really need to shut down EVERYTHING for a four-hour nap between 12-4pm? Surely, 2 hours would suffice for a nice lunch and a lie-down.

12)   Why is it that glamour magazine has only 1,50 euro written in massive letters on the front but when I get to the till you try to charge me 5,20 euro?

13)   Why even bother with a weather report in the newspaper, when all it does is choose a different adjective for hot and sunny each day?

14)   Why are the phone contracts SO rubbish? No, phone credit should not have an expiry date. It is clearly a non-perishable item.

15)   Why can’t a mosquito just bite me and leave, does it have to stay and hang out and invite friends and extended family round to my toes for an all-night rave?

16)   Why is it 35 euro’s for a taxi ONE-WAY to Cayenne, a three-hour journey, when you can get to Georgetown, Guyana, a city two countries away, for less?

17)   Why is air-conditioning not compulsory in all accommodation?

18)   Why is it IMPOSSIBLE for me to get a bank card, no matter how many times I go into the bank with which I have an account, and ask a different receptionist. Baring in mind that this is a feat in itself given your ridiculous opening hours?

I think that is enough query-ing for one day. If you have any answers to any of the above I would love to be enlightened. I will bear in mind that you will only be able to reply on either a Monday morning between 8am-10am (when I happen to be working), or a Thursday afternoon between 4-7pm (the one day the cinema has a showing), as these are the only times you can bother to be open.

Thanks,

Polly Johnson

(confuddled english assistant)

(still without bank card, dustbin, pineapples or glamour magazine)